Never mind the Da Vinci Code or any
One World shadow government conspiracies because the real threat
to mankind is much more sinister and a whole lot closer to home.
It has to do with bogus colors and the organized plot by women
everywhere to make men look stupid…
Well, okay…more stupid.
We men do a lot for the cause ourselves but that’s momentarily
beside the point. The point…well, this point anyway, is that I’m
certain the conspiracy exists. I blame the French, well, French
women actually for the nefarious scheme that was undoubtedly
fomented in the kitchens in Burgundy somewhere, quite possibly
in the 16th Century when a group of frustrated femmes
first convinced men that eggplants were ‘aubergines’ and decided
to mistranslate the color purple to violet.
Go ahead. Look it up in a French dictionary.
See? What did I tell you?
Who knows why they did it? Maybe they were tired of being
thought of as chattel, angry and brooding because they didn’t
have the right to own property, have a say in politics or
government, or control the English Channel changer?
Whatever the reason it’s fairly certain they formed a secret
underground organization that quickly spread the deception
across Europe and beyond through coded crepe recipes and
carefully crafted catalogue ruses.
The organization’s obvious purpose and goal was to undermine
the confidence of men through the manipulation of color. And you
know what? It worked!
In fact, the man-mockery has proved to be so effective that by
the end of the 20th century it became generally
accepted that taupe, vermilion and fuchsia were real colors and
that salmon is pink!
Seriously! I’m not kidding!
In fact, every guy I know will tell you that ‘taupe’ is
something that Homer Simpson says when he’s frustrated,
vermilion is the next highest number category after a zillion
and that fuchsia has something to do with atomic energy. As for
salmon, well hey, any fisherman will tell you they’re actually
silver and slimy!
What’s more is that women know it too just as they know when
they’re mad they see red, not ruby. When they’re depressed
they’re blue and not azure, and when things are fine and dandy
they’re in the pink and not convincingly coral.
Men instinctively know that there are only basic colors like
red, blue, green, black, brown, yellow, pink, orange, purple,
gold, silver and white. For the various shades we apply the
‘light, lighter, dark, darker and ‘sort of’ categories that
covers everything under the sun, which by the way, is light
yellow, sort of.
Women, on the other hand, instinctively know it too but the
game is on. Case in point: Say, for example, a man and a woman
are on a walk in a park and happen upon a pond where a male
Mallard duck is paddling its little webbed feet across the
If asked to describe the duck the man would most likely say
it is ‘light brown with a sort of green band’ around its neck.
‘No, non, nein, nada, nope,’ the woman will automatically
reply tsk-tsking him. ‘It is sage with teal collar. Yes,
In actuality, she knows the duck is really light brown with a
sort of green band’ but she’ll only describe it in made-up
colors because she’s required to. The oath all women take when
they enter to the secret society is probably very clear and
specific on this.
What oath, you ask? Well, the one that they are required to on
their thirteenth birthdays when they are initiated into the
universal cabal. Think of it like the Free Masons only with
complicated shopping rituals and better shoes.
Odds are if Interpol or any other investigative agency could
manage to slip in an undercover agent into the secret ceremony
to plant a listening device, say in a shopping mall department
stores where the swearing-in ceremony more than likely takes
place (usually advertised as ‘One day only 50% Off Junior Miss’
sale) the device would probably record the following:
“I, (garbled names, possible giggles) will use made-up colors
around boys and men in order to make them feel even more stupid
than they already are even though we know there are only basic
colors with light, lighter, dark, darker, and sort of variations
in the colors. This, I pledge as a woman forever. Nice shoes!”
“Why thank you! They’re Italian. I got them on sale! What do
“Fabulous! Dark brown, aren’t they?”
“(audible whisper) Shh! A man’s coming…(louder
voice) they’re a lovely shade of maroon.”
“Yes, with a hint of magenta.”
“Goes good with mauve!”
(Awkward quiet followed by nervous laughter). “That
was close. Hey! What’s he doing? He’s grabbed one of our sacred
training manuals. Somebody stop him! STOP HIM!”
The recording would in all likelihood end with a scuffle
followed by white noise. By the time back-up help would arrive
the undercover agent would be found on the ground in a coma in
front of a cosmetic counter, the victim of an alleged
‘accidental fragrance spray overdose.’
Hey, it’s possible! Stranger things have happened in
connection to the color scheme! Like the release of the
scientific study for instance that purports that the Corpus
Callosum- the bridge between the two halves of the human brain-
is larger in females than it is in males.
This I’m not making up and this discovery, the study says, is
what allows women to make decisions more swiftly than men and to
better differentiate between colors.
Better differentiate between colors, huh?
Okay ladies, if that’s the case then go ahead and take the
following test of these pretend colors and decide for yourself
if it’s a color scheme or not.
Match the following definitions
to their make-believe colors and yes, they are all purple, sort
Moderate to vivid purplish red
Dark reddish brown to dark purplish
Red to purple
Dark red to dark grayish purple
Dark purple to deep, reddish purple
Moderate grayish purple violet to
moderate reddish purple
Dark grayish or blackish red to dark
purplish red or reddish brown
between red and blue
1. Puce, 2. Mauve, 3. Burgundy, 4.
Fuchsia, 5. Plum, 6. Magenta, 7. Maroon, 8. Aubergine, 9.
Purple, 10. Cherise
Answers on the following page
1-D, 2-F, 3-G, 4-C, 5-E, 6-A, 7-B, 8-H, 9-I- and 10-J.
Score ten points for each correct
Color Conspiracy Scoring Results
90 to 100 points: Excellent
70 to 89 points: Delightfully
50 to 69 points: Artistically
30 to 49 points: Adequate but
10 to 29 points: Possible estrogen
imbalance- see Eddie Bauer Catalogue Refresher course.
2006 All content property of European Weekly unless where otherwise