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The Color/Colour Scheme
Blame the French

Humor by Kregg P.J. Jorgenson
Posted March 4, 2007

  Never mind the Da Vinci Code or any One World shadow government conspiracies because the real threat to mankind is much more sinister and a whole lot closer to home.

  It has to do with bogus colors and the organized plot by women everywhere to make men look stupid…

  Well, okay…more stupid.

  We men do a lot for the cause ourselves but that’s momentarily beside the point. The point…well, this point anyway, is that I’m certain the conspiracy exists. I blame the French, well, French women actually for the nefarious scheme that was undoubtedly fomented in the kitchens in Burgundy somewhere, quite possibly in the 16th Century when a group of frustrated femmes first convinced men that eggplants were ‘aubergines’ and decided to mistranslate the color purple to violet.

  Go ahead. Look it up in a French dictionary.

  See? What did I tell you?

  Who knows why they did it? Maybe they were tired of being thought of as chattel, angry and brooding because they didn’t have the right to own property, have a say in politics or government, or control the English Channel changer?

  Whatever the reason it’s fairly certain they formed a secret underground organization that quickly spread the deception across Europe and beyond through coded crepe recipes and carefully crafted catalogue ruses.

  The organization’s obvious purpose and goal was to undermine the confidence of men through the manipulation of color. And you know what? It worked!

  In fact, the man-mockery has proved to be so effective that by the end of the 20th century it became generally accepted that taupe, vermilion and fuchsia were real colors and that salmon is pink!

  Seriously! I’m not kidding!

  In fact, every guy I know will tell you that ‘taupe’ is something that Homer Simpson says when he’s frustrated, vermilion is the next highest number category after a zillion and that fuchsia has something to do with atomic energy. As for salmon, well hey, any fisherman will tell you they’re actually silver and slimy!

  What’s more is that women know it too just as they know when they’re mad they see red, not ruby. When they’re depressed they’re blue and not azure, and when things are fine and dandy they’re in the pink and not convincingly coral.

  Men instinctively know that there are only basic colors like red, blue, green, black, brown, yellow, pink, orange, purple, gold, silver and white. For the various shades we apply the ‘light, lighter, dark, darker and ‘sort of’ categories that covers everything under the sun, which by the way, is light yellow, sort of.

  Women, on the other hand, instinctively know it too but the game is on. Case in point: Say, for example, a man and a woman are on a walk in a park and happen upon a pond where a male Mallard duck is paddling its little webbed feet across the water.

   If asked to describe the duck the man would most likely say it is ‘light brown with a sort of green band’ around its neck.

  ‘No, non, nein, nada, nope,’ the woman will automatically reply tsk-tsking him. ‘It is sage with teal collar. Yes, definitely teal.’



  In actuality, she knows the duck is really light brown with a sort of green band’ but she’ll only describe it in made-up colors because she’s required to. The oath all women take when they enter to the secret society is probably very clear and specific on this.

  What oath, you ask? Well, the one that they are required to on their thirteenth birthdays when they are initiated into the universal cabal. Think of it like the Free Masons only with complicated shopping rituals and better shoes.

  Odds are if Interpol or any other investigative agency could manage to slip in an undercover agent into the secret ceremony to plant a listening device, say in a shopping mall department stores where the swearing-in ceremony more than likely takes place (usually advertised as ‘One day only 50% Off Junior Miss’ sale) the device would probably record the following:

  “I, (garbled names, possible giggles) will use made-up colors around boys and men in order to make them feel even more stupid than they already are even though we know there are only basic colors with light, lighter, dark, darker, and sort of variations in the colors. This, I pledge as a woman forever. Nice shoes!”

  “Why thank you! They’re Italian. I got them on sale! What do you think?”

  “Fabulous! Dark brown, aren’t they?”

  “Sort of.”

  “(audible whisper) Shh! A man’s coming…(louder voice) they’re a lovely shade of maroon.”

  “Yes, with a hint of magenta.”

   “Goes good with mauve!”

   (Awkward quiet followed by nervous laughter). “That was close. Hey! What’s he doing? He’s grabbed one of our sacred training manuals. Somebody stop him! STOP HIM!”

   The recording would in all likelihood end with a scuffle followed by white noise. By the time back-up help would arrive the undercover agent would be found on the ground in a coma in front of a cosmetic counter, the victim of an alleged ‘accidental fragrance spray overdose.’

  Hey, it’s possible! Stranger things have happened in connection to the color scheme!  Like the release of the scientific study for instance that purports that the Corpus Callosum- the bridge between the two halves of the human brain- is larger in females than it is in males.

  This I’m not making up and this discovery, the study says, is what allows women to make decisions more swiftly than men and to better differentiate between colors.

  Better differentiate between colors, huh? 

 Okay ladies, if that’s the case then go ahead and take the following test of these pretend colors and decide for yourself if it’s a color scheme or not.

  The Test 

Match the following definitions to their make-believe colors and yes, they are all purple, sort of 

A.   Moderate to vivid purplish red

B.    Dark reddish brown to dark purplish red

C.    Red to purple

D.   Dark red to dark grayish purple

E.    Dark purple to deep, reddish purple

F.    Moderate grayish purple violet to moderate reddish purple

G.   Dark grayish or blackish red to dark purplish red or reddish brown

H.   Eggplant purple

I.    Colors between red and blue

J.    Cherry red 


 1. Puce, 2. Mauve, 3. Burgundy, 4. Fuchsia, 5. Plum, 6. Magenta, 7. Maroon, 8.  Aubergine,  9. Purple,  10. Cherise 

Answers on the following page 

Test answers: 1-D, 2-F, 3-G, 4-C, 5-E, 6-A, 7-B, 8-H, 9-I- and 10-J.

Score ten points for each correct answer  

Color Conspiracy Scoring Results 

90 to 100 points: Excellent manipulative skills.

70 to 89 points:   Delightfully devious Diva.

50 to 69 points:   Artistically Crafty.

30 to 49 points:   Adequate but needs mentoring.

10 to 29 points:  Possible estrogen imbalance- see Eddie Bauer Catalogue Refresher course.


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